小楓手扎

I know my title is not making sense. Fact is, I am not making sense already at 10:25pm. I am very sleepy. These days, I realize what I thought was "fine" is a little bit "unfine". I understand the work is busy, I understand we put so much effort, I also understand I start to live with people who are not my family members (you and one other member). I had my hands high up in the air saying of course this is the way it has to be. Now, I am hesitating. Was I not thinking clearly enough to really understand myself? Or was this time of life just a period of getting used to the next stage of life.

Of course Wednesdays is a weekday and the chance of dining together is minimal to city people like us. (Weekends is not any better anyways cause it's always with a bunch of people as well) Good, it's the days of inviting friends out for a nice dinner and vice versa. There is fact a small voice saying: "oh, it might be nice if we can go out together." My dinners and probably most of you are too are filled with still old time friends, still very lovable parents and myself in the office or myself with myself.

Of course we still all have to work for some glorious purpose like enrich and find a competitive life for our inner self. Translating to reality vocabulary is to recieve sufficient fund for our living. So I battle the sleepiness every single day despite the fact that none of the hormones and nerves is right because of you know what. I do try very hard and I try to not sound like complaining. I believe most of the people whether suffering from pregnancy or not do dream of getting off at that instant at the same time having afternoon tea at the east side of Taipei. Nope, not coming true. Just gotta face what I called the reality of life.

Of course the house is quite big and we do need more people to fill in. The old chinese saying is the more people in the house the better the live of the house. Not to mention, I have already tied the knot. So I have realize I am not suppose to bring a shitty face back home when I am tired or pissed off at you. Or pissed off at myself. I am just not getting used to the fact that I have to live with complete strangers, other than you of course. I am just not used to it yet after 16 days of this new life. Well, nobody seems to be hearing my feelings so my blog might as well do. Can I wash my clothes at my own pace? Can I do a lot of things out of my will? I am still trying to get used to it. Great, not yet. Just thought of another thing, how long has it been since the last time we set foot in the movie theater? I don't even remember!

I understand all of my complaints and probably these murmuring are just complaints. I will enventually get it off. As I start to realize what is really needed to be "realized", I am torn between understanding and realizing.

I am still here, just a little bit loosing it.


2006/11/14